Don’t Despise Individuals Whose Views Differ from Yours

When it comes to engaging with others whose views differ from yours — theologically, culturally, or personally — there does often come a time to share your own perspective. But before the more “active” part of disagreement (trying to persuade others of your views) ever happens, the more “receptive” aspect of disagreement (listening to others’ reasons for their views) must be done well.

Based on observation and personal experience, I think many of us often feel threatened when engaging with someone who strongly disagrees with us. I don’t even necessarily mean we feel afraid, although that is a possibility. I mean we feel like we must come out swinging with arguments of our own. It’s as if we think that listening to a perspective we find deplorable is the same thing as tacit agreement. But it’s not. We don’t need to immediately start refuting another person. Our aim as Christians isn’t primarily to win arguments, but to win people. If we are engaging with an unbeliever, this means to win them — via our conduct — to consider that Christianity is intellectually credible and experientially satisfying. If we are engaging with another believer, we want to be a means of encouraging them in their walk with Christ as we are together pilgrims on the way to eternity.

Romans 12:18 reminds us of our God-given responsibility to be peacemakers. “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” The implication is that we won’t always be able to live at peace with everyone. We can’t make relational harmony happen on our own. The other person has a say in this as well. However, we are expected to do all that we can within our power to live in accord with others. Sometimes this means we should not dig in our heels with someone who disagrees with us (sometimes we should). Instead of “toeing the line,” we engage in a charitable back-and-forth. I appreciate the parenting parallel that Mike Donohey makes here: “In the times I think I should hold the line, I usually find that why my kids need is to have me absorb the tantrums that cross over the line. It can feel like I’m not being the authority they need. But remember, this…isn’t about winning arguments.”

How often do the Psalms portray the psalmists pouring our their hearts to God — but with theologically “inappropriate” statements and questions? (See examples like Pss. 42, 73, and 88.) And do you get the sense that God is tainted or merely putting up with them? That he feels pressure to quickly put them in their place? That he must defend himself. The answer is no.

God’s response to Job is a perfect example of how God’s interactions with his people are consistently in the framework of relationship. In Job 38, God was firm with Job, but not in the way we often think. Following Job’s questioning of God, 38:1 states, “Then the LORD answered Job from the whirlwind”. God is described as “LORD” (Yahweh, the same personal name given by God to Moses at the burning bush. Closeness, intimacy, and binding covenant love are all in view. The “LORD answered Job from the whirlwind”. Tim Keller helps us understand the surprising significance of this wording. He states, “[I]n Hebrew idiom, to ‘speak to’ someone indicates a one-way communication of an authority to an inferior, while to ‘answer’ or ‘reply to’ expresses a dialogue between two parties. It is striking, then, that when God shows up, he enters into a dialogue—he does not come simply to denounce. In other words, God is inviting Job into a relationship.” May God help us remember that our aim is to win souls rather than arguments.

This post is the seventh in a series deriving from the “Staying Friends Through Disagreement” seminar that took place at Rocky Creek in April 2026. If you’d like to receive the PDF note packet and audio version of that seminar, you may email allen@rockycreek.church.