Raising Kids in Christ, Not Just in Church

For those of us raised in the South, one of the best things about the autumn season is college football. Along with turning on the TV to keep up with the game, thousands of parents are also scanning the student section to sneak a peek at their recent high school graduate for the first time.

Amidst the pomp and circumstance of high school graduation back in May, another graduation is quietly taking place without the celebration. I’m talking about the 2/3 of youth group kids who graduate from the Church…often permanently. As a youth pastor of 14 years, my heart aches for all the students who passed through my ministry, never to darken the door of the church past their senior year.

Church, something is wrong. For parents who faithfully raised their kids in church over the last 18 years, it’s a bewildering problem. But even great parents and great churches can watch this happen to graduates if all they did was raise their kids in church, failing to raise them in Christ.

But what’s the difference?

In their 2015 book, Why They Stay: Helping Parents and Church Leaders Make Investments That Keep Children and Teens Connected to the Church for a Lifetime, Steve Parr and Tom Crites studied the common denominators across the ¼ of students who did not graduate the church. While they didn’t uncover some kind of secret sauce for keeping kids at church, they did peel back the curtain to show a peek inside the homes and churches of kids who stayed faithful, delineating five key components to raising kids in Jesus, and not just in the church.

First, students who stayed at church into college personally loved their pastor. Kids tend to see their pastor as God’s representative. Several months ago, a family friend told me about picking her kid up from church daycare. When she collected her three-year-old from his classroom, he couldn’t wait to tell her, “Mommy, God is here today! Follow me—he’s down this way!” He held her hand, leading her out of the preschool department, and to the office, where he enthusiastically pointed to the pastor’s office. Pastoring is weighty! And parents need to be their #1 fans. If kids become cynical listening to parents openly criticize pastors, they’re more likely to become cynical of Church.

Secondly, kids who stay have parents who serve the Church. When I was growing up, my mom was the church pianist, and my dad was a deacon and Sunday School Teacher. We never had a discussion about whether we’d attend church from week to week—it was just a given. People were counting on us to be there. As I grew older, my parents began finding places for me to serve. And as I graduated high school, I was still needed in those ministry areas, so I kept attending. If kids are inadvertently taught that the Church is just a spiritual elective, rather than the Bride of Christ, they’ll miss the beauty of all that she has to offer. The Church exists to help us grow in relationship to Christ and each other…it’s not just one more weekend activity. Our contemporary postmodern “you do you” culture tells us the opposite. Parents, let’s be mindful to rally around what’s true regardless of what’s convenient.

Third, Why They Stay discovered that kids who remain in church to adulthood have a good relationship with both mom and dad growing up. At this point, the research seems to be advocating for doing family life in the style of Ephesians 5. This is the kind of family where parents choose to love and respect one another self-sacrificially, even when it’s hard. Rather than domineering over their kids, Ephesians 5 parents channel Philippians 4:8 pointing their kids towards all things true, noble, right, pure, and admirable as they go about life (Deuteronomy 6:7). The principle of parents practicing self-sacrificial love towards the kids is a pointer the self-sacrifice of Christ, after all. Even families affected by divorce, loss of a parent, or other circumstances can model the self-sacrificial love of Christ in the way that they raise kids to be mindful of others just as the adults at home model this kind of love in front of their kids.

Fourth, if graduating high school means moving to a new city, parents should do their homework to help kids find a church before they arrive on campus. And fifth, parents should be looking for churches with strong college ministries, so their student doesn’t feel like they’re the only Christian on campus. After doing the campus visits and selecting a college, why not do some church visits as a family so new graduates are a little less intimidated finding a church away from home?

Church, the college years are perhaps when our students need us most. As they take their biggest step into independence, let’s not abandon them to do it alone in the dark. Proverbs 22:6 reminds us, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Let’s stop panicking over our kids “departing,” instead remembering that the “training” shouldn’t be a cram-session. So, what should we do? Consider the natural lulls in our days—the car rides, bedtime, our morning routines. If you’re a parent, how can you interject intentional Gospel conversation and prayer into those precious moments of quiet? For my family, it takes a bit of intentionality, but I know God is faithful and has blessed me with a church that is in the trenches with me.

Parr, Dr Steve R|Crites, Dr Tom. Why They Stay: Helping Parents And Church Leaders Make Investments That Keep Children And. Westbow Press, 2015.