My Regrets In Ministry

When you look back over your life, what are your biggest regrets?

I think for most of us, our regrets have less to do with accomplishments and more to do with people. Times we failed to show up. Things we said or chose not to say. Relationships we’ve damaged.

For me, as a pastor, my regrets primarily concern how I ministered to teenagers who were not from a Christian home or were from a marginally Christian home. Statistics in youth ministry have consistently demonstrated that for the last two or three generations, approximately 70% of young adults leave the church after high school, and many never return. The students most reflected by the statistic?

Those who are not discipled by their parents at home.

Even as I write this, face after face flashes through my mind of middle and high schoolers who walked away from the church. Many of them approached church simply as a fun place to be with their friends. And parents were glad they came—maybe they’d behave better at home if church gave them a reality check. But if Christianity is reduced to a fun event at a church building where I know my kids are safe and where they’ll be taught good moral life principles, at some point those students will realize they can gather with friends outside the church, too. Church is often reduced to a social function. The problem is that you can find a social outlet anywhere…no church necessary.

What do we do?

Remember the Shema? You’ll find it in Deuteronomy 6, and it has major ramifications for parents.

Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.⁵ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

What’s the big picture here concerning parents and kids?

It’s that parents are the people responsible for their kids’ spiritual formation…not the Church.

Also, notice God doesn’t call parents to approach spiritual formation as a Sunday morning or Wednesday night event—spiritual formation encompasses all of life.

Current research shows that most Christian parents know this responsibility is theirs but don’t feel prepared or qualified to do the job, so they do a little (bedtime Bible stories, perhaps) and hope their kids will mature spiritually by watching how they live. The problem is, if we’re honest, parents often fall short of the spiritual standards they set for themselves (and I can say this, because I am a parent). And when we fail to reach the standards we set for ourselves, we tend to lower the bar. Rather than incorporating discipleship into our everyday lives, we approach it as an exclusive Sunday morning event because it’s easier. Our kids, in turn, are taught the same. What they learn is, “Go to church to please God, leave Him there, and head out to do the rest of my week on autopilot.” But when parents approach their spiritual life casually, their children interpret it as unnecessary.

What does this have to do with my regrets?

A couple of things…First, it helps me recall that I cannot do the work of the Holy Spirit. I can point kids to Jesus over and over again, but at some point, they must decide what to do with Him. And if kids see Mom and Dad pursuing Jesus, they’re more inclined to prioritize their own walk with Christ.

Remember, Jesus asked the disciples, “Who do YOU say that I am?”

Not, “Who does your church say that I am?”

Secondly, pastors can’t (in one or two hours a week) exert more influence over a kid than their parents can for the remaining 166 hours of the week. This is simply how God has designed the family to work. For better or worse, family relationships are louder and more formative than any other relationship as we grow up.

Together, these two points make the job of pastors and the church secondary…So, as the youth pastor at my first church, and now at Woodside, my role is so much less significant than the role of parents. My regret as a pastor is that I haven’t done enough to support moms and dads as they disciple their kids.

What does this have to do with you?

In my last article, I wrote about the problem of theological deconstruction facing young adults who have grown up in the church. We live in a society built on the tenets of philosophical postmodernism and expressive individualism, which reject time-held beliefs about the nature of truth and encourage individuals to create their own meaning in life, rather than going to God.

If you are a parent, how should you work to counteract the voices kids hear in our culture that stand in opposition to Biblical truth?

Looking back at the Shema, I’d encourage you to consider the rhythms of your day. When you are with your kids, how can you intentionally engage them in spiritual discussions as you ride in the car? As you watch a ball game? Go to the store? Prioritize small moments with them. Don’t miss out on the power of capitalizing on ordinary moments over the long haul. Quiet, faithful consistency in the way you point your kids to Jesus in the everyday moments can resonate heavily over time.

But also consider, as parents, how often do your kids see you in the Word for yourself? How often do you pray with them? Some parents are intimidated by praying with their kids…But if you want your kids to learn to pray, you’ve gotta be doing it with them. I’m not trying to guilt you. (I’m right there with ya, after all.) What I am trying to do is help you reflect on all the little moments we have with our kids that we squander away. Instead of turning on music for the whole of a car ride with your kids, switch off the music sometimes to intentionally talk about something you read in your quiet time. Instead of asking your teenager, “How was your day?” when you know they’ll just answer, “Fine,” consider opening a can of worms on a tough subject. Something like, “I was thinking, I believe the Bible to be true…but how would I explain it to somebody who doesn’t believe…What do you think?” Press them on hard topics—I guarantee they’re wrestling with them already. If the conversation goes deeper than you know how to respond, that’s ok. It opens the door to study and talk with your pastors so that you can revisit the conversation another time.

In short, show your student that your relationship with God matters…don’t just say that it matters.

Over the next few weeks, I’m planning to write more articles on this topic of approaching tough theological topics with your kids. I hope you’ll check back and find these things useful as you seek to lead your family closer to Jesus day by day.