In Disagreements, More Than What You Say Matters

At least one long-standing study has revealed the weight of importance that people give to content, tone of voice, and body language in communication. Content is concerned with the what of communication, while tone of voice and body language have to do with the how and spirit of communication. What percentages would you give to each of these in terms of their importance? We may each rank these differently, but at least one study revealed the following results:

• Content – 7%
• Tone of voice – 38%
• Body language – 55%

Does that surprise you at all? If it does, imagine a parent/child interaction in which a child answers their parent’s instruction with a “Yes ma’am” or “Yes sir.” The content of that response is pretty good. Now imagine that child’s response with a sarcastic tone. This would actually take the content of the response and completely reverse the meaning of the words themselves (i.e., the words convey respect, but the tone really means the exact opposite). Now picture the child saying these words in this tone, along with crossed arms, a frown, and a roll of the eyes. (Perhaps for some of us, this doesn’t take much imagination at all.)

Clearly, what we say matters, but it’s not all that matters. Yet my impression is that functionally, we tend to default into acting as if content is king, especially when we are engaged in disagreements with others. It’s as if we think, “If I can just assemble all the evidence in favor of my opinion, surely this person will see the logic of my position and be convinced.” However, persuasion almost always involves more than mere factual data.

Theologian Gavin Ortlund gets at this reality when he states, “The truth is that mere facts and information often fail to move people. Yet when we are in a disagreement we often forget this, relying on sheer force of argument, oblivious to helpful ways to persuade people and the broader sociology of how people actually change their minds.” When we engage in disagreement, persuasion is more than content (even though it is not less than content). Here are three categories that have historically stood the test of time and been viewed as vital to persuasion:

• Ethos – (ethics) This refers to the character and credibility of a person. This perhaps matters more than the next two, because people will listen to someone they feel they can trust. We’re no different. When was the last time you were willing to listen to someone you didn’t trust or whom you doubted their goodwill towards you, let alone be persuaded by them?
• Pathos – (passion) Does a person care about and really believe what they are saying? Is there skill in how they convey their ideas? Are they using emotion wisely and tactfully to influence their audience? This isn’t manipulation in a negative sense. This is pairing feelings with content in a fitting way. Some ideas and topics are absolutely worth emotional investment.
• Logos – (logic) This refers to the credibility of the argument itself. Is there logic and rationality and plausibility behind it? Is logic being used as part of the overall argument?

The next time you are engaged in an argument or disagreement with someone, care about the rationality of what you are saying. But also ascribe importance to ethos and pathos. This honors the totality of how God has made people. This is also the Golden Rule played out (Luke 6:31 – “Do to others as you would like them to do to you.”).

This post is the eighth in a series deriving from the “Staying Friends Through Disagreement” seminar that took place at Rocky Creek in April 2026. If you’d like to receive the PDF note packet and audio version of that seminar, you may email allen@rockycreek.church.