What Not to Say to a Friend Experiencing Chronic Pain or Illness

In preparation for an upcoming seminar on chronic pain and illness, I’ve been reading a book entitled Loving Your Friend Through Cancer. It’s a well-written book, the kind of book in which you can tell the author (Marissa Henley) has experienced the subject matter she is talking about. The book is a sturdy combination of compassionate and practical. She devotes one of her chapters exclusively to things not to say to a friend experiencing a cancer diagnosis. For our purposes, it’s usually a good idea not to verbalize these statements and platitudes in any situation in which a friend is experiencing ongoing suffering.

For starters, she encourages us with two appeals. First, be ok with saying less. There’s a kind of pressure we often feel to say something profound to our friend who is hurting. But this usually gets us into trouble and leads to awkward interactions. Instead, be comfortable with the uncomfortable. There is nothing magical you or I can say. Much better to acknowledge this reality, be present, and let your friend know you love them and are with them for the long haul.

Second, be very careful with the questions you ask, especially if you’re not an inner-circle friend (if you are a close friend, presumably you’ve “earned the right” and have the tact to know what questions to ask or not ask). Henley suggests three questions to ask ourselves before we ask our friend a question about their situation:

1. Am I curious or caring? It’s only natural to be curious and have questions. “When did your symptoms start?” “What’s the prognosis?” “What treatments are you going through?” All these and more will go through your head. However, curiosity is not necessarily motivated by the same desires as care. Curiosity is me-focused (if we’re honest, many times we ask these questions because of a desire to make sure we are doing everything within our power to not wind up with the same pain or illness our friend is experiencing). Questions originating from care will sound more like, “How can I pray for you right now?” or “Are there any appointments this week that I could take you to?”
2. Am I trying to fix a problem or understand a person? It’s not uncommon for a sufferer to recall a well-meaning inquisitor whose first words after hearing of their situation went something like this: “Well, have you tried ______ form of treatment or medication?” Don’t get me wrong. It’s all well and good to want to offer suggestions. These kinds of comments usually come from good intentions (albeit less than tactful). But first we want to care for our friend as a person. And we won’t know how to do this well if we rush in with advice rather than a listen-first disposition (e.g., How’s our friend doing emotionally? What are logistical needs they might have right now?)
3. Am I close enough to ask this question? The reality is that if you’re not in this person’s inner circle, you shouldn’t ask questions that are overly personal (many health-related matters can be quite sensitive in nature). And even if you’re the type of person who wouldn’t mind being asked sensitive questions, your friend is not you. “Here’s a good rule of thumb to remember: A topic that you regularly discussed with your friend before she had cancer is probably safe now… If you used to talk about marital struggles, it’s okay to ask how her spouse is handling her diagnosis. If your conversations before cancer centered around the weather, stick with asking her how she feels about the recent drop in temperatures and wait to see if she brings up more intimate topics.” This is generally good advice for any scenario involving a friend who is experiencing chronic pain or illness.

With that in mind, here are some things not to say. These statements come across as faith-based platitudes, which means that they can actually do far more harm than good when they are misapplied. This list is far from exhaustive, but you will get the idea of the kinds of unhelpful comments it represents.

• “God has a plan and works everything for our good.” This truth–based on Romans 8:28–is glorious. But truth wrongly applied or timed is like the punchline of a joke that is out of place; because of the beauty and hope it is meant to convey, the damage is all the more severe when it is wielded carelessly. It takes a Christian who knows the whole counsel of the Bible to wisely interact with friends at these times in ways that are tactful, sensitive, and still committed to truth. Alongside Rom. 8:28, don’t forget other passages such as 1 Thess. 5:14, Rom. 12:15, and Prov. 25:20.
• “Just remember that in heaven there will be no more pain.” When well-timed, this is hope-giving. Just be sure that you don’t skip over the pain that your friend is feeling. If you give them this sentiment too soon, it can feel like you’re minimizing their current pain or trying to rush them through their discomfort. If you only have time to talk for a minute, this is probably not a helpful thing to say. If you have longer to listen, then this truth could be helpful for your friend to hear. But remember–you’re likely not telling them anything they didn’t already know, so be careful to verbalize it as a reminder and not as a sermon. Your friend can tell the difference.
• “I know exactly what you’re going through.” To put it bluntly, you probably don’t. One degree (or even a few degrees) of commonality doesn’t mean you understand all that your friend is going through. And even if the external circumstances were quite similar, your friend’s disposition, fears, financial situation, familial background, social support, etc. are all factors that matter and that impact how they relate to their suffering. While it is admirable that you are trying to relate to your friend, this comment runs the risk of subtly bringing the attention back onto you. Furthermore, it distracts you from asking thoughtful questions of your friend, because you’ve already assumed you know everything they are going through.
• “I feel so awful about what you’re going through. I’ve been so worried!” Especially if your friend is experiencing excruciating pain or perhaps has a terminal illness (and if you’re close to them), it is only natural that this will affect you emotionally as well. However, if your friend is in as much physical and/or emotional pain as this statement seems to warrant, they have enough stress to handle without having the additional strain of feeling as if they are responsible to calm your fears as well. You may need to process your own feelings with another trusted friend, pastor, or counselor. You can tell your hurting friend that you care for them, and it’s ok for them to see your tears. But don’t make it about you.
• “God never gives us more than we can handle.” I think this idea is taken from 1 Cor. 10:13, specifically the phrase, “He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand.” While there can be some indirect applications of this verse to contexts of suffering, the immediate context of this verse has to do with temptation to sin, not suffering. God gives us grace for each moment as it comes. He will enable your friend to endure. But make no mistake – there will be times when your hurting friend feels as if what they’re going through is far more than they can handle.

This post is the fifth in a series deriving from the “Chronic Pain & Illness” seminar that took place at Rocky Creek in September 2025. If you’d like to receive the PDF note packet and audio version of that seminar, you may email allen@rockycreek.church.