Listening in Order to Understand Others and to Know God

If I told you there was a way to simultaneously better understand people, make others feel like you cared for them, increase the harmony in your closest relationships, decrease dissension and disharmony in relationships, and imitate the character of God, would you want to know what that way was? Of course you would! This way is available to us, but it may sound too easy at first. “Too easy!” you say. “I wouldn’t balk if it sounded too easy.” Be careful. Others have come before you and failed to take God at his word and do the little things well (see the example of Naaman in 2 Kings 5:1-12).

The secret lies in one word: listening.

I want to give six considerations as an appeal to grow in our ability to listen well. At the end, hopefully we will 1) better see why listening is so crucial and 2) feel more equipped how to listen.

1. Most problems in communication are listening problems, not talking problems. Just a bit of introspection or filing through your mental Rolodex of your own interactions or observations of others’ conversations will confirm this statement. Have you ever noticed that in an argument (e.g., in a marriage), the harder and more forcefully one person tries to make another person(s) accept their view, to that degree the whole interaction seems to deteriorate? It’s almost as if there’s an inverse relationship between trying “harder” and the success of the interaction. It’s not that those individuals are incapable of speaking passionately or with clear language. Instead, what is likely missing is a willingness by one or more people to listen.

2. Listening is a skill that can be learned. Take heart. If listening is something you desire to do well but you’re just not sure how, you can grow. Listening starts with the desire to do so. If you have this, then the most important prerequisite has been met. The ability to listen attentively and ask good questions (skills) can flourish in this soil.

3. Listening is a character trait/virtue that can be learned. If you don’t even have the desire to listen to another person – or if “listening” is a hoop to jump through so that you can then get your own point across – then no amount of helpful information or suggestions will ultimately be useful to you. But if there is an inkling of desire, then the necessary underlying character can mature and grow. You can slowly but surely become the type of person who loves to express care by listening; it won’t feel so much like a chore.

4. Listening is a prerequisite for understanding. “Listening is a process by which persons set aside their own agendas long enough to tune in to someone else.” When we get defensive, assume we know what someone means before listening, or interrupt them, we cut off our own ability to understand what they are saying and why they are saying it. Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” To “draw out” implies a spirit of patient listening. Good listening leads to good questions that communicate care and draw a person to disclose more. Proverbs 18:13 says, “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.” This sets up the next point.

5. Good listening sets up the ensuing step: speaking well. Sometimes listening with compassion and empathy is all that is necessary; just feeling as if someone understands and cares is often a serious game-changer for individuals. However, there are also times when listening alone will not suffice; feedback is required, or at least desired. You may feel under-equipped to say anything helpful or useful even if your heart’s desire is to care for another person. But you will certainly be less than useful or helpful if you do not care enough about the person in front of you to listen attentively to their concerns.

6. Most importantly, good listening reflects the heart of God. Our God bends down his ear to listen to us (Psalm 17:7). Here are just a few examples:

• “Then the LORD answered Job from the whirlwind…” (Job 38:1) This falls on the heels of Job uttering his long defense/complaint to God. In Hebrew idiom, to “answer” someone implies something different than to “speak” to someone. To “speak” implies a one-way line of communication, an authority or ruler speaking down to an inferior or subordinate. To “answer” someone connotes a two-way communication in which the speaker values the receiver as a friend. God is inviting Job into deeper friendship. But before God “answered,” he listened.

• Check out 1 Kings 19:1-8. The prophet Elijah has just experienced a great victory of God over the prophets of Baal on Mount Carmel. But then the wicked Queen Jezebel puts a death sentence on Elijah, and the formerly courageous prophet suddenly melts into a panicky pool of fear. Notice God’s response. He could have gotten into a point-counterpoint argument with Elijah, arguing that Elijah’s fears were unfounded and that faith and trust were required to move forward. But he doesn’t. Instead, he gives Elijah what he needed in that moment — food, water, and rest. Elijah had been through a lot. He was tired, hungry, and thirsty. He was “hangry.” God listened — literally and figuratively — to Elijah, and therefore God gave Elijah just what was needed for each step of the journey.

• The apostle Paul states, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility consider others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:3-4) If you look at the context of this passage, Paul is clearly linking these words to the very character of Jesus himself. Don’t be selfish or conceited. How? What’s the opposite? Humbly considering others’ needs and interests above your own. How do we do this? What’s our model? We won’t know the needs and interests of others unless we care and tune in to them (i.e., listen). And the unsurpassed example of this is Jesus himself. When we value others enough to hear what is going on in their hearts — perhaps even looking past the imperfect, “thorny” way they express themselves — we are emulating the Savior who every day looks beyond our foibles and failures to our very hearts.